Ignorance is bliss? I don’t think so.

Why is it that we love the ones who ignore us, and ignore the ones who love us? I’ve been seeing this behavior in others, and it puzzles me beyond all reason. Today I came to the realization that I am the worst offender. Is it just human nature to covet what we cannot have? And to likewise take for granted the good things sitting in our own backyard? They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Chris Cornell says it’s always greener where the dogs are shitting. I’d do well to remember that when I’m tempted to look over the fence.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dreams

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
Erma Bombeck

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Evolution of this blog

This blog began as a way to communicate specific thoughts and feelings for a specific purpose. As of late, it has become more than that, a platform for my myriad ramblings. I’m debating continuing this way, or forming a new blog that reflects me and who I am. I think that may be necessary. This blog may have run its course. I know you still look at it from time to time. How do I know? I just do, like I often just know things. It’s very few and far between though, and as such the rations here have become very lean. Myself, I’m tired of starving. I’m so hungry for something that I’ll devour just about anything these days. Nothing tastes good. Anywhere. So, I think something new is in order. I can’t wait for things to change, I have to change them.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Apocalypse…ow.

  All things must end. It’s a part of life, right? After all, something new cannot begin until the old is over. I’m at a point in my life where the ending is, well, neverending. I keep waiting for the new, improved THING to start. Alas, it has eluded me for what seems to be an eternity. Relationships have fizzled. Friendships have dissolved with nary a trace. I quit my job (out of neccessity) and thereby lost the only adult interaction I had. My fucking dog stopped loving me. My sister is dying, and isn’t fighting to live. I’m trying to move forward towards something good, but I just can’t find it. It hurts, this constant loss. I know there is more to lose, too. And it’s not just me, friends and family are experiencing similar lives. I just want some NEW. Need it. We all do.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Escape

I’ve always been one of those people who doesn’t know when to shut up. I want to make sure I get my point across, and when someone walks away from a discussion, that pisses me off more than anything. After years of this, I learned that with some people, it’s not worth it. They never listen, they run away from the conflict every time. Therefore,  I care very little about making them understand anything anymore. The tables have turned it seems. For the second night in a row, I’ve been woken up at about 3 a.m. to argue. Who wakes you up in the middle of the Goddamned night for this? Not to mention, there was a third argument midway through the day yesterday. I escaped from that one…I grabbed the kids and went (early) to a birthday party. It wasn’t worth my breath to argue. This morning, I escaped again. I’m sitting in a parking lot drinking drive-thru coffee at 5:30 a.m. I’ve never, in all these years, felt the need to physically leave like this so strongly. And this coffee is really good.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Wheel

We’re all on a big wheel, and it turns very slowly. Some of us are on the way up, rolling towards the top, where the air is fresh and the view is prime. Some of us are on the downward drop, heading face first towards the ground, where we can see what’s next, but are powerless to stop the motion. Some of us are on the bottom, with our faces in the dirt, and the weight of the wagon carrying everything heavy in our lives is pushing us deeper into the rut. I just don’t know why it moves so damn slowly. And I don’t think I’m on the bottom yet, but I know some people who are, and watching them down there is agony.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

You can’t lose somethin’ you never had

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Lifequake

   I’m sitting here pondering the impending upheaval soon to occur in my life, and, as a mother (first and foremost) I fear most for my children. They are happy, really happy, right now. The past 2 years have been the hardest of all of our lives, and finally, the spark, the joy, has returned. Well, folks, it was damn sure short-lived for this girl. Not that I don’t enjoy every second with my kids, I do. But it wasn’t always this way. I spent many years sliding ever deeper into depression, a slow tortuous journey that landed me at what I now recognize as the doorstep of a nervous breakdown. Luckily for me (and my children), I was too tired to knock. So tired, in fact, that I would sometimes stay in my bed for days. Did I neglect my children? Yes. I certainly neglected myself. I lost almost 50 pounds over a 6 month period without trying. Fortunately for all of us, my parents were there to hold it together when I couldn’t, and my estranged (at the time) husband wouldn’t. My step-mother knew something was wrong, of course. She though I would come out of it, she attributed it to the separation. I didn’t come out of it, not until she forced (yes, forced) me to see a doctor about the migraines I had been having, and the fatigue, and the weight loss. She knew what it was, of course. That appointment garnered me a referral to a therapist, almost before the exam was even finished. Thank God for that…because therapy and Celexa changed my life. Of course, that’s not the only thing that helped me. 2010 was a year of realizations for me, and thanks to self-reflection, proof that unconditional love was a real thing (and I wasn’t the only person practicing it), and learning that I am capable of more than being a wife and mother, I have absolutely morphed into something much closer to who I want to be. So, this time, when the fatigue started, and the migraines returned, and the overwhelming urge to just sleep returned like bad neighbors who’d been on holiday, I recognized it. I returned to my therapist, and in an extremely optimistic move, I scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. The night of our first visit with this counselor, my husband slept on the couch, because he was texting his girlfriend all night. I found and read the texts the next morning, and I wasn’t even hurt, or sad. Mostly, I was aggravated that he was dicking me around. So what does this mean? I don’t care what he does, as long as he doesn’t do it here. He’s uninterested in what we have here, our family. There’s nothing more insulting than knowing someone is faking and lying at every turn, yet they keep up the charade. So here I am, unemployed (because I JUST quit my full-time job 2 months ago to be with my children), and completely terrified of pulling the rug out from under them. Again. The old me would have stayed, and suffered. I’m not that person anymore. It will be hard. We will struggle. We will survive. More than that, we will thrive. Come at me, life. I’m ready.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The $64,000 Question

The answer is…hell to tha naw. In the middle of a rambling monologue, this query was thrust upon me. Without a need to ponder, I immediately replied, “No! Hell no!” Then the oxygen finally made it’s way to my brain and I relaxed. It felt good. It felt…over. That’s a good thing.

image

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Plato sez….

image

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment