I’m sitting here pondering the impending upheaval soon to occur in my life, and, as a mother (first and foremost) I fear most for my children. They are happy, really happy, right now. The past 2 years have been the hardest of all of our lives, and finally, the spark, the joy, has returned. Well, folks, it was damn sure short-lived for this girl. Not that I don’t enjoy every second with my kids, I do. But it wasn’t always this way. I spent many years sliding ever deeper into depression, a slow tortuous journey that landed me at what I now recognize as the doorstep of a nervous breakdown. Luckily for me (and my children), I was too tired to knock. So tired, in fact, that I would sometimes stay in my bed for days. Did I neglect my children? Yes. I certainly neglected myself. I lost almost 50 pounds over a 6 month period without trying. Fortunately for all of us, my parents were there to hold it together when I couldn’t, and my estranged (at the time) husband wouldn’t. My step-mother knew something was wrong, of course. She though I would come out of it, she attributed it to the separation. I didn’t come out of it, not until she forced (yes, forced) me to see a doctor about the migraines I had been having, and the fatigue, and the weight loss. She knew what it was, of course. That appointment garnered me a referral to a therapist, almost before the exam was even finished. Thank God for that…because therapy and Celexa changed my life. Of course, that’s not the only thing that helped me. 2010 was a year of realizations for me, and thanks to self-reflection, proof that unconditional love was a real thing (and I wasn’t the only person practicing it), and learning that I am capable of more than being a wife and mother, I have absolutely morphed into something much closer to who I want to be. So, this time, when the fatigue started, and the migraines returned, and the overwhelming urge to just sleep returned like bad neighbors who’d been on holiday, I recognized it. I returned to my therapist, and in an extremely optimistic move, I scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. The night of our first visit with this counselor, my husband slept on the couch, because he was texting his girlfriend all night. I found and read the texts the next morning, and I wasn’t even hurt, or sad. Mostly, I was aggravated that he was dicking me around. So what does this mean? I don’t care what he does, as long as he doesn’t do it here. He’s uninterested in what we have here, our family. There’s nothing more insulting than knowing someone is faking and lying at every turn, yet they keep up the charade. So here I am, unemployed (because I JUST quit my full-time job 2 months ago to be with my children), and completely terrified of pulling the rug out from under them. Again. The old me would have stayed, and suffered. I’m not that person anymore. It will be hard. We will struggle. We will survive. More than that, we will thrive. Come at me, life. I’m ready.